Funny Money: Earnings, Fraud and 'Bud Pong'

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

eBay announced a 40% quarterly rise in net income. I actually was going to predict that, but at the last minute, some jerk from Utica swept in and outbid me.

Motorola had better-than-expected third-quarter profits, but industry analysts are worried about long-term prospects, because, in about five years, we'll all just be plugged into the giant iPod in the sky.

Coming in 2010: iPod vs. Predator!

Wachovia announced a 32% rise in third-quarter profits, largely based upon its new, totally reasonable, $1 million ATM fee.

Kraft Foods had low third-quarter profit because of price cuts on cheese and coffee. Cheese and coffee? Sounds like collusion between Green Bay Packer fans and the city of Seattle.

Saks reported huge losses this week at its Saks Fifth Avenue division. The dinosaur is caught in the tar pits of progress. Saks shareholders have made a stink about the disconnect between poor performance and rising executive pay, to which the rest of everybody, everywhere replied: "Yeah, duh."

In a related story, Delphi's chairman announced that his salary would be reduced to only $1. His $3 million signing bonus ... not so much.

Consensus of Evil

Scandal-tainted futures brokerage Refco filed for bankruptcy this week. Refco is an appropriate symbol of our times: Our future is bankrupt, the past is imaginary, and the present is fleeting. I'd be depressed if it weren't for plastic surgery and candy.

Insiders apparently collected more than $1 billion in cash before the company's IPO, which was when they almost changed Refco's name to "Pyramid Scheme, Inc."

There's talk that the attorney for Martha Stewart may represent the former Refco CFO, Robert Trosten. In a related story, Trotsen already has a book, TV show and worldwide media conglomerate based upon his experience in jail. "There's no such thing as bad publicity," said a (bad) publicist.