Funny Money: Hard Times & Hard Candy

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Bank of America's CEO posted a $91 million gain from stock awards in 2006, forcing Vegas to increase the over/under on weeks until a BOA restatement to 13.

A former Citibank employee was sentenced to 15 months for fabricating profits to get a $200,000 bonus. Umm, $200,000? What was he, a janitor? Most bank execs fabricate $200,000 in their sleep. Come on, pal. If you'd done a $10 million, $20 million or $30 million job, I'm sure you would've gotten off.

A grand jury issued a subpoena over Costco's options practice. It was 200,000 pages long and came with a barrel of mayonnaise.

Speaking of huge, the mammoth Airbus A380 arrived in America! Hooray! Captain Leonardo DiCaprio piloted the hubris, err, the plane, into space port, err, Kennedy on Monday. The giant jet faces a major hurdle finding U.S. purchasers, because, although it can fit 555 passengers, that translates into only about 12 Americans. (I'm writing this in one of O'Hare's 537 airport food courts right now. Don't tell me we're not all lard butts).

Emirates Airlines has actually ordered the most A380s, 43, but that's just so Halliburton can ship all the gold in Fort Knox to Dubai.

Conrad Black's trial began with a fun episode when his wife called reporters "vermin" and "sluts." That may be true, but it's not the best strategy. "Ladies of questionable morals" is the legal term. Of course, every report of the outburst wasted space describing Mrs. Black's outfit, so the "vermin" part fits just fine.

« Previous Page

1 2 3 4

Next Page »