Funny Money: The Devil Serves Decaf

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Big news this week: Ben Bernanke gave his first address to Congress, and his nostrils only emitted tiny puffs of sulfurous soot -- but let's give him time. It was cute, though, when he asked a congressman to "kneel before Zod."

Speaking of Congress, the government may let the oil and gas industry, a.k.a. The Sisters of The Poor, pump gas from Federal lands without paying $7 billion in royalties. Ooops.

We're losing out on royalties. Oil companies have become Napster. And we, the citizens, are Metallica. Several lawmakers criticized the royalty giveaway, adding, "Tssk, tssk. If we'd known this could happen, we would've actually read the legislation."

Republican members of Congress in particular are scrambling to lessen the damage, having adopted the Big Pharma motto we discussed last week: Making it bad, so we can make it better.

In a related story, the U.S. Senate killed a bill to create a $140 billion fund for asbestos victims, because that money is needed by the oil industry.

Speaking of which, Americans shortchanged the government by $345 billion in 2001, or what Exxon calls "petty cash." Two new studies showed that tax cheating is on the rise, but the studies don't include corporations. That's like cataloging the oldest musicians without the Rolling Stones, or being political pawns in a chess match that we're all gonna lose. Dang. Checkmate.

In other political developments, a House subcommittee told Internet providers that their cooperation with the Chinese government was "sickening" and "decapitating the voice of dissidents." Furthermore, the subcommittee said, censorship and government propaganda must be "Fair and Balanced."

Keenly sensing how the political winds are blowing, Yahoo! said we should resist censorship. Yes, leave it to the "marketplace of ideas" so that power will rest where it really belongs, in the hands of the publicists.

To watch Jeff Kreisler's video take of this column, please click here.

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