Funny Money: The Price of Leadership

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Time Warner (TWX Quote) named Jeff Bewkes as its new president and COO this week. In a related story, Carl Icahn got a new voodoo doll.

Icahn reportedly wants to replace the Wizard in the land of Oz. He'd have told Dorothy to split up her shoes and sell them as separate units of a "go home" enterprise.

News Corp. gave its TV chief, Roger Ailes, a new $25 million contract, proving, yet again, that no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people. I think PT Barnum said that when he launched the Fox Circus Channel. We stuff clowns into a car. You decide.

Other executives in the news this week included John Mack, who seems to be turning around Morgan Stanley. Many of us were wrong about you, Mr. Mack. I look forward to reading your company's eventual earnings restatement, the SEC's complaint, and the details of your unreasonable severance package. I'm thinking April. Is April good for you?

Elsewhere, W. Alan McCollough announced plans to retire as CEO of Circuit City after a very mixed tenure as head of the electronics retailer. Current President Philip J. Schoonover was named as his replacement. Honestly though, they just need employees who don't think the answer to "Does this work on a Mac?" is "Shut up and pay."

In related news, the U.S. Senate approved the transition from analog to digital television, a.k.a. the "Blatant and Unnecessary Support of Circuit City Act of 2005."

Jason Brown, a former VP of finance for HealthSouth was sentenced to a year and a day in prison where, ironically, he'll have better health care than his company provided.

Refco named a former NYC comptroller Harrison J. Goldin as its CEO. The over/under on his tenure as CEO? Five months. Refco, futures trading, comptroller... sounds like a Sci-Fi flick. Buck Rodgers and the 21st Century Bankruptcy!