NEW YORK (
) -- We made it,
fans! It's 2013, and we're still kicking. Hopefully you enjoyed your New Year's celebration and have by now shaken off the vicious hangover from all the unhealthy things you absorbed over the holiday season.
Yes, we, too, didn't think our bodies could stand a second more of
unrelenting, merciless fiscal-cliff coverage, but in the end -- unlike those unfortunate Mayans -- we survived.
Speaking of the Mayans, all their wacky end-of-the-world predictions really got us thinking that we should get into that business too. Not the extinction part, of course. We're talking about the prognostication part. Heck, if Wall Street's analyst community can make wildly inaccurate forecasts every January and still keep their jobs, then why can't we?
And those folks make a ton more dough than us overeducated, underpaid ink-stained wretches!
So, without any further ado, please find
The Five Dumbest Things on Wall Street: Predictions 2013
. They may not all come to pass, but, boy, would it be a hoot if they did!
5. Dick's Triumphant Return
We can see it now: A mammoth neon sign hanging high above the corner of Wall and Broad Streets, warmly welcoming hungry tourists from both the Near and Far East. The aroma of roasted garlic and tomato paste seductively wafting through New York's historic financial district, alluring bulls and bears alike to step inside and sample the delectable Southern Italian fare simmering inside.
Look for it folks, because it's opening downtown in 2013: Grasso's Restaurant and Day Trade.
That's right. We're betting that Dick Grasso, the former chief of the
New York Stock Exchange
King of the Club
will return to his throne in the coming year. And if we're correct, he's going to be badder and balder than ever.
Here's why: In case you missed it, New York City enjoyed a bull market in Italian restaurants in 2012. Bill Clinton fave Il Mulino opened a branch uptown and the
Guy Fieri rolled into Gotham with a massive, although much maligned, outpost in Times Square. Meanwhile, legendary Le Cirque founder Sirio Maccioni opened Sirio at the famed Pierre Hotel in midtown while Rao's continued to turn away customers not named Gasparino way up in Harlem.
Yes, there can be no doubt that last year was an
for vowel-ended eateries in Manhattan. Everywhere but downtown, that is. And you can be sure that if we noticed this trend, Dick Grasso did as well.
Where has Dick been since he left the NYSE in 2003? We're not sure. Perhaps in his hideaway somewhere, biding his time and counting the $140 million he took when he left the exchange almost a decade ago.
Who knows, maybe he's been hanging out with his old pal Ken Langone, skipping stones and putting the
on their mutual nemesis Eliot Spitzer. Truth be told, we honestly can't say.
But we can say that something needs to happen at his old stomping ground, and it needs to happen fast. We know that the
assured N.Y. Sen. Chuck Schumer that the NYSE's trading floor will stay open in the wake of their $8.2 billion purchase of the once-venerable exchange. However, even Chuck knows that floor brokers and specialists are becoming dinosaurs, and electronic trading has turned the once-bustling floor into a ghost town.
Seriously, there must be something more profitable to occupy that cavernous piece of real estate than letting Maria Bartiromo use it as a backdrop for her daily
And that's where Dick comes in.
Clearly, he has the cash to make Grasso's Restaurant and Day Trade happen. He also has an army of loyal employees ready to serve both him and a flood of ravenous diners at a moment's notice. Heck, all those floor brokers are already wearing funny colored jackets and are used to running around the trading floor five days a week from 9:30 a.m. to 4 p.m. -- why not let them read the specials and deliver the steak pizzaiola as well?
And if a diner wants to place a limit order with his tiramisu -- even better. They can leave the Two Dollar Broker a $2 tip for their troubles. It's a win-win situation.
Oh, and add one more win because Grasso is a dead ringer for Stanley Tucci's restaurant-owner character in the movie
Don't worry if you missed that film. When Grasso's opens for business this year, the world will be able to experience the real thing.