Funny Money: Incompetence Trumps Stupidity

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Big news in tech-land this week: Microsoft delayed the release of Windows Vista. Gosh, it might be an extra couple of months before my 2-year-old computer is completely obsolete.

At least Microsoft has learned to stop putting years into their software titles.

Meanwhile, Google launched a finance portal so it can, at least, get ad revenue while everyone watches Google's stock. Ahh, Google. Jack of all trades, master of ... one or two. You're so cute. Just like Prodigy was at your age.

Elsewhere, Oracle reported a 42% rise in profit, thanks in part to reading the entrails of a ram caught in the thicket outside Oracle's Silicon Valley shrine.

Dell will double its staff in India to 20,000. To Americans worried about job losses, the company replied, "Shoulda got a better public education system, dude."

In a related story, Wal-Mart announced plans to hire up to 150,000 workers in China, in a patriotic effort to destroy the middle class over there, too.

Speaking of which, the airline industry lost 30 million bags last year. They thought those bags held employee pensions.

Separately, General Motors offered to buy out every one of its unionized workers. At least now we know just how much, in dollars, our lives are worth. Buyouts could be as high as $140,000, which is great news for all the Indian casinos outside Flint, Mich.

I can't wait to tell my grandkids stories about how there used to be unions and workers' rights and hope for a better future and how we didn't always live under water and battle mutant oil space monsters that were controlled by a giant iPod on Mount Rushmore ... but they'd never believe me.

They probably won't believe this either: the State Department has issued a contract to CDW for 16,000 PCs made by Lenovo, which is partially owned by a Chinese government agency. No reason for concern. From what I've gathered, our government isn't competent enough to put anything worth stealing on computers. Heck, the FBI can't even provide all their agents with email accounts. Yes, I believe our incompetence will trump our stupidity.

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