Funny Money: A Quarter Full of Hilarity

Microsoft announced a venture to create original entertainment programming for the web. Here's an idea: Mild-mannered innovator becomes megalomaniac bent on ruling the world through technology; Suave comedian saves the day, gets the girl(s), takes a nap.

Teck Cominco's offer for Inco clouded Inco's bid to acquire Falconbridge and made me wonder if there were enough super-accountants left at the Hall of Justice to battle all these villainous names! Actuarial Man, we need you!!

Apple won its battle with The Beatles by convincing a London court that iTunes is not a music label, but merely a data-transmission service. Ah, yes, kids today, dancing to their data-transmissions, covering their bodies with ink-infusions and metallic-insertions. Why, just the other day my wife and I were making love to some Barry White data-transmission, when I ... oh, never mind. I'm not married. Yet.

Delta folded its discount carrier Song back into the main airline, which is a tough blow for the seven people who ever flew Song.

GM fired its Chief Accounting Officer, Peter Bible. So much for faith-based accounting.

Newsflash: Bush's tax cuts will be paid for by selling your phone records to Mexico.

Lincare Holdings settled a case in which the company was accused of paying doctors to recommend its home oxygen system. Selling something free and available like oxygen, eh? That explains my new prescription for Pfizer's "Stop hitting yourself! Why are you hitting yourself?"

GM also announced plans to hire temporary workers to replace those who accepted early retirement. Might I suggest buying a Ford? I've been a temp, and if they're like me, they're probably more interested in stealing office supplies than properly installing air bags.

June: The Hank & Ben Show

The big news this week was the successful "star" leaving a comfortable post to jump-start a fading program. Yes, Katie Couric finally left Today. Oh, and Goldman Sachs head Hank Paulson will become the next Treasury secretary. Most Americans responded to the news by saying, "We have a Treasury?"